taking a breath of life

Friday Reflections' prompt gave me something to think about this weekend. The prompt that caught my attention was this one:

Give us some advice on how to de-stress at the end of a bad day or week?

At first I wondered how I would give anyone advice on this prompt.  This past year has been so stressful for me that there were days I didn't know if I could find the energy to do ordinary tasks, much less deal with work and what was going on with the rest of my life.

But as it all spiraled out of control, I knew that if I was going to survive, I needed to deal with the stress. One day I stopped, took a deep breath and remembered how I had dealt with high stress times in the past. And so the advice I give comes from the lesson I learned then. It was actually a self taught lesson, a compilation of things I have learned over the years, and the way I survive times in my life when I feel as though I might explode from overload.

I see my life as a plate. Literally. I close my eyes and see what is going on in the here and now as a plate full of stuff. I don't see food, I see the words representing what is stressing me. For instance, if I have a deadline at work, I see a piece of paper with the name of the project on it. If I have several projects going, each one is on that plate. If I have someone in the family with something serious going on, I see them too. (The year my daughter Jen had multiple throat cancer surgeries, she was sitting on the plate, in a hospital gown.) This past year, my husband's pacemaker was on that plate, my cancer was on the plate, the dog bite I got on January 1, 2016 was there, and so was my mum's illness and death. Full plate huh? You bet it was.

In the past, when my plate got too full, I started taking things off the plate to relieve the stress. I quit a job that almost caused me to burn out as a nurse, and several other things too. The problem with this past year is that there was nothing I could remove from the plate. Absolutely nothing. I couldn't run from breast cancer, or the huge bite on my face that got infected. I couldn't run the day Steve nearly died because his pacemaker failed. And I couldn't stop my mum from dying. My plate was as full as it could get, with no room left for anything else. 

When that happens in my life, and it has happened in the past, then I use mental imagery to escape.  I fix a cup of tea, picture a favorite place I have been, remember something good that has happened in my life, and I go there for a little while. I have mastered the ability to be in a place physically, but be thousands of miles away in my mind. I actually discovered this when I was a child, and would live inside the books I read. It takes practice, but I can actually feel my muscles begin to relax, and my breathing softens and deepens. Relaxation. Life. De-stressing in the moment. 

Yoga is another way to accomplish this same thing for me. It is one of the best practices for releasing stress. I recommend it, because yoga has made such a tremendous impact on my life.

Taking care of yourself includes managing the stress in your life. Too often we spend all our days filling them with things to do, tasks for ourselves and others that takes up all our time and energy. And like a fuel tank on a car, eventually that tank goes empty. You have to make the time to refuel so that you can manage that busy life you live. A balanced life is a happy one. For me it is anyway.

And even with all that has happened since last April, I have found my happy spot again. That doesn't mean every day is easy and not stressful. It just means I have regained my coping skills again. 

Found my happy spot. I encourage you to find yours.

...stop, take a breath of life... ~cath

i am @jonesbabie on twitter

on reality and the randomness of thinking

Life has been crazy busy lately. I have a (fairly) new position at work that fires my enthusiasm in a new way. Daily radiation for breast cancer treatment has become part of my life like my first cup of hot tea every morning. Life isn't static, and in a few days mine will take a turn in the road. Everything that has happened has made me a bit more introspective, and when I haven't been working, which takes most of my energy these days, I am resting (fatigue is a side effect of radiation I discovered). With all this resting comes a lot of time to think, and I have lacked the will and/or the energy to write any posts sharing my thoughts.

One thing that has always remained constant in my life is art. I have always turned to it when I am stressed, life is difficult, or when I have a lot of thoughts and emotions running around inside me. It is my therapy, my solace, my friend. A safe place to go to when I just don't want to have human contact.

Recently during one of those times, I turned to digital art. My daughter Jen had recommended an app to me a long time ago, I had tinkered with it once or twice, but never devoted any time to it. One day, when I was feeling really down, I picked up my iPad to read and instead opened the drawing app. I started doodling, and then drawing, and before I knew it I was totally immersed in it. Paper by 53 is easy to use and doesn't require a large learning curve, right up my alley at this time of my life. I started doing some drawing in the mornings, and in the evenings if I wasn't too tired. It helped to level and recenter me, just as art has always done.

One aspect of Paper is a community you can post your artwork to, that can be seen by other artists, or "remixed" by them and reposted. Mix is a way to share ideas, doesn't require a lot of communication, and lets you see some inspiring art and ideas. I also noticed that there are a large number of children on Mix, and I see them commenting on works of art, wishing they had better art skills, and asking for tips which most artists are glad to give. It is a unique community.

As I watched these children (from grade school, middle school, and high school in age), it bothered me to see them beat themselves up about their skills, and I thought about what art is for me. I have seen many skilled artists in the social media sites I participate in, many of them lucky enough to be working artists, some who do it on the side just because they love it, like I do. I remember as a child wishing I could draw like a girl in my class, or a boy. I can close my eyes and see their art and their faces, forever children in my mind. I don't know if they followed this into something professional, or if they even continued to pursue their talent. I do remember my angst, even though I realize now I had fairly good skills for my age. Always wanting to be like someone else, it created negative feelings and self doubt in me at times.

I look back now, and realize that at some point in my life, I stopped wanting to be like other artists. I use my art now to bring me joy, and as a way to express my thoughts and feelings. (My photography is much the same, an extension of my inner thoughts and feelings..) With that release from envy, or longing if you will to be like someone else, came freedom and pure joy at what I do now. I wish I could convey this to those children, and tell them what they feel is normal, not to give up, to keep practicing their art, and learning. Since space is limited I found the best way to do that was a quote from one of my favorite artists, one who spent most of her life living in her artist-husband's shadow, even though she was a gifted artist in her own right.

When I was reading the posts today for Friday Reflections, I saw a prompt that induced me to finally...FINALLY... open my computer to write again.

The prompt is:
Reflect on a quote that has touched you this week, or that has made you laugh.

The quote that touched me, that resonated with me this week is by Frida Kahlo:
"I never paint dreams or nightmares. I paint my own reality."

Be true to yourself. Paint your own reality, with whatever you choose to express yourself.

...never stop reaching...life is good... ~cat
i am @jonesbabie on twitter

aha! my friday reflection...on friday!

I started out a few weeks ago with the best of intentions.  To blog at least once a week, and reflect on my week every Friday.  
Well, that intention got blown to the moon by life.  I have posted just a tiny bit of what I have been dealing with for the past 2 or 3 weeks.  I've shared a bit of what my last few weeks have been like.  Suffice it to say that it has been pretty stressful.

But that is fodder for another blog.  This is my day to reflect. The prompt I chose for this week was this one:

Reflect on the following quote: "You are never too old to set a new goal or to dream a new dream" - CS Lewis

As soon as I saw this one, I knew it was the one.  THE ONE.  The quote that just jumped out at me and knocked my socks off.  At an age when most people are looking at retirement and planning what they are going to be doing with all that spare time, I was going back to school to learn to be a wound, ostomy and continence nurse.  I don't look at things I want to learn or do as limited by my age.  The only limits I have are the ones I put on myself, and I choose not to limit myself.  Every day that I wake up is a chance to learn something new, to dream a new dream.  Dreams are what give my thoughts flight, and make all things possible.  I also believe that the day I stop dreaming and planning new goals, is the day I start to grow old.  Dreams keep me young.  By young, I don't mean looks, because that is just the wrapping, not who I really am.  When I say young, I mean that my thoughts, my outlook on life, the way I approach life is ageless.  It has nothing to do with the number of years I have lived on earth  I plan to be young the rest of my life.  Goals give me something to look forward to, to strive for.  It isn't about reaching the goal that matters to me, it is the journey getting there that matters.  That is where the learning, the lesson, occurs.


And because this is May 1, and the first day of NaBloPoMo for this month, I decided I would add the prompt for it here too.  Kind of confusing to some people, but to someone who multitasks as much as I do, it made good sense to me.  The May Theme for NaBloPoMo (which I have failed at plenty of times, and decided to take a stab at again) is:

PHOTO

The prompt for today's photo is: YOU. Meaning me...so here I am:

  

me

Your computer is not playing tricks on you.  I am out of focus for a reason.  I chose to edit this photo this way, because lately it is the way I feel.  Off center, out of kilter, not quite balanced. Life is just like that sometimes, you know?  My mantra has always been:

This, too, shall pass.

And with time, it will.  It always does, because life isn't static.

...laugh, when you can't do anything else. ~cath 
find me @jonesbabie on Twitter

my too late friday reflection

By now, if you read any of the words I throw out on this blog, you realize that my writing doesn't have much of a theme, and I bounce around.  Which is ok, because that is the way I've always been.  I learn something, then move on.  For me, learning isn't about becoming an expert at anything.  The joy is in the learning.  One thing I am learning, and that the #Friday Reflection prompt supports and encourages me toward, is to take time to reflect.  Learning cannot impact your life if you don't stop to reflect that learning.  As far as I am concerned, if you wake up every morning and are breathing, you have the opportunity to learn.  That is why I chose the second prompt to respond to this week.  My Friday reflection is coming after a busy weekend with 3 of my 4 grandkids, with not much time for reflecting or writing.

I had some time to reflect, time to read a bit this weekend and think about the prompts as  I was racing around.  The prompt that resonated with me the most was the second one:
What is the most influential book you have ever read?

That is a hard question to answer, because there is no one book that has influenced me the most. That would be an impossible task.  I thought about this all week as I transitioned from one position to another in the organization I work for, and decided I would have to share a few, maybe three or four.  I could easily list 25 or more, but this is supposed to be a prompt for a post, not a novel.

Vermeer

Byzantine icon

The first book I remember was a coffee table book of art history.  I don't remember the title, but it was one of those beautiful, large, printed books you display on your coffee table when you want people to think you know something about a subject you know nothing about.  This book was located next door, on our neighbors' coffee table.  Frannie and John were good friends of my parents, with John and my dad stationed at the same Air Force base.  While the adults played pinochle in the dining room, I sat in a living room seldom used (back in those days we had dens, or family rooms, where the TV was located and real life occurred).  I couldn't have been more than 8 or 9, and was already drawing. What that book did was show me what art was about, the creativity of artists through the ages.  Where I saw my first Pieter Bruegel, Jan Vermeer, Michelangelo Buonarroti and so on.  My strongest memory was of my amazement in the difference in art periods, and especially from the Byzantine period to the early to late Renaissance.  My love of Impressionism and Modern Art came long after that first book, but what that book did was show me world history through the eyes and hands of artists.  I can still close my eyes, and feel the smoothness of the pages as I carefully turned them.

Pieter Bruegel

The second book I think about is one that was required reading during my Baccalaureate program in nursing.  From Novice to Expert: Excellence and Power in Clinical Nursing by Patricia Benner, PhD in 1984, it was a thin volume, and I started it with the intentions of getting through it because I had to.  But soon found myself taking in every word as I read about the acquisition of skills and experience in nursing.  Written for her dissertation by Dr. Patricia Benner, a nursing theorist and academic leader in nursing, it had such an impact on my understanding of the experience we gain as nurses, and how we go from being greenhorns straight out of nursing school to expert practitioners.  Benner's theory and research was qualitative, rather than quantitative, and she has been criticized for that, but I have found that the model she provided describing the acquisition of skills through experience have been mirrored by my own practice and transition through the five stages she described.  That particular book was a priceless gem to me as a nurse.

The third book I think about is the book that I enjoyed with my last baby.  Or rather that she enjoyed with her grandmother, my mother in law.  The Grown-Up Day, written and illustrated by Jack Kent, was written in 1969 and acquired by me for my children somewhere along the line, when I was collecting books for them and 45 singles for me.  Reading and listening to rock and roll were two things we did almost every day in my house.  I think that is a solid foundation for any kid, and it paid off with mine.  But The Grown-Up Day belonged strictly to Ma and Deb.  She was barely speaking when that became her favorite book, but after sitting in Ma's lap (we lived right next door) every day and hearing the book a thousand times, Deb had it memorized.  Ma would turn the pages as Deb recited it from memory, making it appear that she was some child genius who could read at the age of two.  What I learned from that book is that books have a way of connecting us as human beings.  They are a way of spanning the gap of generations and passing along knowledge.  As well as love.  That book was the love between a grandmother and her grandchild, and the joy it brought them both is something that I have never forgotten, even though that baby is 36 now.

And that is how books have influenced my life.  One at a time, each carries a message, and is an opportunity to go to a new place, learn new things, think new thoughts.  To expand our minds, and connect as human beings.


...laugh, life is good. ~cath
find me @jonesbabie on Twitter

my saturday friday reflection: 5 things i am grateful for

This week, as I read the post written by Janine on her blog reflections from a redhead, I found myself nodding in agreement (again) with the wisdom she shares, and has learned at such a young age.  I looked at the prompts and the following prompt jumped out at me:

life is the dancer, you are the dance. eckhart tolle

Write about 5 things you are grateful for this week.

It immediately hit my mind.  The reason I have been smiling all week, and feeling so relaxed and unstressed, is gratitude.  Lately I had been thinking a lot, about my life for the past several months, about how I approached problems, about how I had lost my ability to pick through the detritus surrounding a situation and discover the truth in it.  I was bogged down, losing interest in many of my favorite things in life, crying a lot, and my hair was falling out again.  At one point I began to wonder if I was depressed.

Then I rediscovered a favorite book of mine.  I've read it at least 4 times since 2006 or 2007, so I added it over to my audio books list and began to listen to it (I have it in print, digital and audio form).  And what I heard amazed me.  The answer to my question was right in front of my face.  EGO.  I had become entrenched in my own ego, and was thinking and feeling from that standpoint.  I was responding to situations and people from the ego inside, and viewing things in a distorted way.  

As soon as I began to see that, stop over thinking and just be present in the moment, I found a change taking place. I began to relax.  I could feel my shoulders, which are almost always tight and hurting, begin to let go of the tension knotted in them. My hair stopped falling out. My face looked less tired. Most of all, the anger I had begun to feel, and the building resentment inside me, just went away. Just went away. By letting go of the need to feed my ego, and fully experiencing each moment as it happened, I began to experience a shift, and began to find happiness again.

When a friend told me at lunch this week that I looked happy, the realization hit that what we carry inside us shows through us to others. Things I thought I had hidden well, I discovered weren't so hidden after all. And so, the first thing I am grateful for this week was rediscovering the book that changed my life so dramatically several years ago:
My first gratitude: A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle. The title says it all.  

As I reflect on my life, and this past week, my thoughts go to my family.  The love I feel for them. The gratitude I have for each and every one of them.  And I am not talking just about my kids, grandkids, sisters, mother, husband, etc.  I include in laws, cousins, aunts, uncles and ALL my family. We are all connected by blood, or love, or both. But most of all, we are all connected by our human nature. It is the common tie that we share with all of humanity. I am grateful that for many of us, we have rediscovered connections that had gone dormant due to distance and years, and can maintain contact more frequently now, through social media. Being able to keep in touch has brought me joy, laughter, and reignited good memories.
My second gratitude: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and other social media. It is the tie that helps bind my extended family together.

A friend and I were discussing the fact that some people seem to flounder in life, and others find purpose and achieve goals in life. It is my belief that human beings are happier when they are productive. We do better when we set goals for ourselves, and keep a positive attitude about reaching them. I believe that people with no purpose in life languish, and miss a lot of joy. I've seen it too often. People who wake up every day with nothing to do but eat, sleep, and pass the hours sitting and doing nothing end up with a bleakness of spirit and body that often manifests in physical or mental illness, or both. 
My third gratitude: my job. I am not my job, and my job is not who I am, but it gives me purpose in life, and lets me help others.

I've been reflecting on friendships.  Friends are different from family. You are not bound by blood, you are bound by love, and a commonality of interests or personality that lets you connect.  If you are lucky to have wonderful friends, as I am, you learn from each other. You experience new feelings, ideas, and the friendship helps you grow in new directions. Not all friendships I have had have been positive experiences, but I have learned from them, and it has ultimately helped me understand myself, through their eyes.
My fourth gratitude: friends.  Positive or negative, they teach me more about myself.

My final gratitude may sound a bit strange, but as I tried to put my thoughts into words, I realized I could refine and narrow that thought down to two things. My hands and my eyes. Because of my hands and eyes, and their connection with my brain, I can put what I think or see onto paper with a pen, pencil or brush. I can look through a camera lens and see a story, and share that story. I have seen several stories in the news this week about people with amputations, and how they have overcome the challenge and met goals they set for themselves (refer here back to gratitude #3). It has made me keenly aware of my own blessings and good health, and also more grateful than ever that I am blessed with hands and eyes that can share what I see and think through my art, photography and writing. And so my last gratitude this week:
My fifth gratitude: my hands and eyes, that give me the ability to share my thoughts and feelings through my art.

Stop and reflect on your week. What are you most grateful for?
I want to thank Janine Ripper at reflections from a redhead and Mackenzie Granville at reflections from me for sponsoring this weekly blog prompt. I encourage you to visit their blogs, and read, comment, or join in the weekly reflections.



...laughter and life are good. ~cathy 
find me @jonesbabie on Twitter

my saturday friday reflection: things that make me smile

Participating in blog prompts is not always an easy endeavor for me.  I tend to dislike boundaries, and will shoot myself in the foot (figuratively) to avoid being tied to any one thing.  But today is an exception.  When I saw the prompt that said to name 30 things that make me smile, I knew this post was a cinch.

I smile easily.  I've always been a grinner.  So much so that as I left for school on picture day every year, mum would tell me not to smile too big (my gums would show in a geeky kind of way when I did).  I think most years I forgot her advice as soon as I was out the door.

Smiling doesn't always show on the outside though.  I experience a lot of secret smiles, and those feel just as good as the visible smiles.  Only in times of great stress do I not smile as much.  The past few months have been like that for me.  But lately I have met some goals, made some changes in my life, and I find I am smiling more.  So today I will share a list of things that make me smile, in no particular order of importance.

1. Smiling.  No, it isn't as goofy as it sounds.  When I smile at someone, they always smile back.  And that makes me smile more.  All the way inside.  (Smiling is contagious.)
2. My grands.  They turned a middle aged woman into a Grammy.  I smile every time I think of those four goofy, funny kids.
3. Star Trek movies.  I've been watching all the original crew movies tonight and realize that some of the best one liners ever written are in those movies, and they have a knack of inserting them into the most serious scenes.  (Scotty just said "then we are dead" in the Undiscovered Country, and Spock replied "I've been dead before" in that deadpan way that makes me smile every time.  As I just did.)
4. Cartoons.  Especially cartoons with no speech, just sight gags.  My dad loved the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote cartoons and so do I.

5. Audio books.  I have discovered the joy of having someone read a book to me in my ear.  A recent favorite that made me smile (and laugh out loud) was Craig Ferguson's Between the Bridge and the River. 
6. Social media.  That's right.  I can read something on Twitter or Facebook and find myself smiling.  Instagram and Pinterest have some great stuff for smiling about too.  A recent post on Facebook that I shared with my sisters was this:

And this leads to....

7. My sisters.  They make me smile.  No matter that we live thousands of miles apart.  I always smile when I think of them.  They are total goofballs, just like I am.

8. My kids.  Different than the grands because they were a lot of work to raise.  Thank goodness they all have my warped sense of humor (with a bit of their dad's too).

9. Stevie Wonder.  I married him because he made me smile.  Great at jokes and storytelling with an authentic southern accent, he stole my heart with a joke, and he still makes me smile.

10. Funerals.  That's right.  Some of the best jokes and stories I have heard have been at funerals.

11. Clouds.  I am a cloud watcher.  Not only do they totally relax me, taking me to another place, but I often find myself smiling.

12. My dogs. Especially Gabe.  He is a natural clown.  Caesar is softhearted and loving.  Gabe is a mauler and licker and loves to poke his nose in everything.

13. Ivy Jones, my grandcat.  At 15, her cranky personality makes Wretch and I laugh every day about some antic or behavior.  Today she was wailing at me when I got home, and when I gave her some of her treats, she sniffed them, then looked around at me with a haughty expression as if to say "you expect me to eat THIS?"  Needless to say, she got the real deal, some turkey meat.

Now I am getting into the smiling/laughing category, which still counts in my eyes.

14. Falling.  I am a chronic faller.  Years ago I plowed up the pavement in our local town with my face.  Hours later, sitting and waiting at the ER (Wretch was with me), I looked up to see her STARING at my face.  I looked down with my eyes only, and could see my top lip poking out beyond the end of my nose.  I looked back up at her, and we both burst out laughing.   

15. Steve's pacemaker.  Yep that's right.  The day he got his pacemaker put in, the kids showed up to be with me.  When we got him back in the room and we realized he was going to be ok, it was time for joking and smiling.

the brats

Steve's attempt at corpse pose.

16. People watching.  I love to watch people, and seeing how they interact often makes me smile.  Especially parents interacting with their kids.  Watching parents try to keep up with active kids gives me a big grin.  And a sigh of relief that I don't have to do that anymore.
17. Touching stories about real people.  Humans can do such evil, horrible things to each other, and it is always gratifying to see something good done by one human for another.  Today this is what moved me to smile, and tears:

18. Watching someone succeed at something for the first time makes me smile. The day Duncan looked up at me, (after his mommy's struggle to find the right medication for ADD) and told me "I'm smart Grammy" made me grin from ear to ear.  I knew he was smart all along, just trapped in his own head.

marmite

19. Meeting a new friend for the first time.  That first smile, and hug, sets a tone of love and acceptance.
20. Marmite.  Thought I'd hate it, but I love it.  Even the name makes me smile.
21. Meeting old friends again after years apart.  I ran into one of my best friends at my high school reunion a while back and we were both full of smiles for each other.  It was as though no time had passed, and we fell into the place we were years ago, totally comfortable and enjoying being with each other.
22. Painting.  I've been drawing and painting since I was a young child.  I often smile as I work on an idea.  It is the joy I feel, coming to my face.
23. Secret smiles.  An inside or private joke that only I understand, or something between me and another person that is shared with a glance and a smile.
24. Rewatching old movies that made me smile the first time I saw them, and smiling at the same moments when I watch them again.  It's like laughing at the same jokes, etc.  Causes smiles.

I'm going to end with #25, because it is the smile that I am wearing as I edit and read what I have written.  I live a blessed life.  A very blessed life.  In the midst of a world that can be so full of hate and anger, cynicism and cruelty, and sadness....I find reason to smile every day.

Think about it...what makes you smile?

...life is good. ~cath find me @jonesbabie on Twitter

friday reflections

The Friday Reflections prompt that spoke to me today was this one:
Reflect on the week just gone, listing one high point, one low point, and something you have learned.

Human beings are, for the most part, not solitary by nature.  I'm not saying we don't need time alone, but we are social for the most part and want to belong to or be with others.

I have belonged to a wonderful small blogging group for about 2 years or more now.  Diverse in viewpoints and styles, we are scattered across the globe.  Belonging to the group has added a lot of meaning to my life.  I have been mostly inactive for many months now in that group, as I pursued another goal.  I popped in from time to time, read their posts from time to time, and tried to maintain at least a thread of contact until life returned to normal for me.  They were always supportive, even as my creativity dried up so I could focus on the analytical, nursing side of my brain.

I'm a registered nurse for many years now, and last August I decided to pursue certification as a Wound, Ostomy and Continence nurse.  Although I still have the certification exams facing me (three of them!), the high point for me last week was receiving this in my email inbox:

After all those months, a large amount of money put into the course, and three comprehensive finals that about scared the pants off me, I passed!  Normally I don't blow my own horn, but darn I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  And the learning experience and knowledge I gained as I completed the theory and practicum (clinical component) was invaluable.

So my low point this past week was the exhausting 7 hours of comprehensive finals I had to pass, and the high point was the email saying it had all paid off.  I've learned that no matter what your age, you should never stop pushing yourself, and reaching that bit beyond your comfort zone for the prize just almost, but not quite, out of reach.  And never give up! 

Now if I can just pass the certification tests...

Have any of you ever experienced extremes of high and low points in the same week?  Life is weirdly wonderful right now...and I am ready to rejoin my wonderful blogging group, and the people who have been so supportive of me.  Thanks PBAUs!

...it may be weird, but life is still good. ~cath
find me @jonesbabie on Twitter