the ghost of gma mary

A couple weeks ago I woke up to my first cup of tea and some quiet reading.

Or so I thought. What actually happened was that I entered the living room and got sucked into a skirmish. The kid variety. Gramps had already been sucked into the vortex. This was how it went down...

Maddie: Grammy, Duncan and John lost the key to my 4 wheeler and I can't find it.
Me: Can you ride without the key?
Maddie: No. I looked all through the couch, but all I found was popcorn. (Last night was popcorn movie night...Duncan misses his mouth more often than not, but that's another story.)
Me: That could be a problem then. (I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer before my morning tea.)
Maddie: Grammy will you help me look?

So that was when I felt that first gentle tug into a situation I had accidentally stumbled blindly into. We searched between all the cushions, and I ran my hands down into areas of the couch I hadn't felt in years. We found a missing sock, but no key. Gramps lifted the couch and turned it over and we searched every nook and cranny. We did the same thing to his chair for good measure.

No key. But the floors under the couch and chair got vacuumed nice and tidy, sans popcorn and other unidentifiable food and garbage.

By the time I finished that (still without my first cup of tea), I was a bit irritated at two boys who had spent the whole time we were looking for the key THEY lost, playing in the bedroom with army men. That was when the ghost of Gma Mary materialized inside me. I marched into the kids' bedroom and informed the boys that they needed to use their brains to remember where they had left the key, and find it.

Both boys looked at me like I had sprouted two heads and was speaking a foreign language. I repeated myself, and told them to get UP and come and look for the key. They moaned and groaned and dragged into the living room. John had to recover from two feet he said weren't working before he could get to the scene of his crime.

John said he had left it on the couch and that was all he could remember. Dunc said John had the key last, trying to absolve himself of any connection to the crime. I told him his alibi didn't work, because he had started the chain of events by removing the key from the four wheeler.

After a half hearted search, the boys thought they were free and clear. I upped the ante at that point, thinking they would make a better effort to FIND THAT KEY. I told them they could not ride on the four wheeler anymore since the key was gone. They wouldn't be able to start the engine.

John: Dat's ok. I got my own four wheeler.
Dunc: I don't care. Doesn't matter to me.

This was when things started to escalate. I decided to hit them where it hurt, because Maddie was the only one upset by the missing key and loss of four wheeler riding time.

Me: Ok then, no more video games when you are here too.
Dunc: Fine.

Hmm, Dunc was playing tough guy. While I thought about my next move I looked for John, who was so crushed he had locked himself in the laundry room. My next statement was meant to win a stunning victory, but it worked out somewhat differently.

Me: John, there are mice in the laundry room. (Actually there are only traps.)
John: I am getting a chocolate milk. (YooHoo, a drink made mostly of chocolate, water and sugar.)
Me: You can't have a YooHoo if you didn't eat breakfast.

zombie grandkids- yes that is a YooHoo in John's hand

Gramps: He ate a cinnamon roll. (WTH did that come from? Now they were triple teaming me.)
Me: A cinnamon roll does not count as breakfast. It is sugar.  (Giving Gramps the stink eye)...Now he wants to follow sugar with sugar.
John: I will eat my egg then have chocolate milk.
Me: The egg that was on the table? I threw it away when I cleaned the table off.
John: But I wanted that egg. (Chin quivering and pitiful eyes.)
Me: (Gma Mary standing firm.)Then you need to eat it when breakfast is served. I don't leave food on the table all day.

I could feel myself gaining ground. I was ready to zoom in for the kill, play my ace in the hole. Then John started to cry. Which of course made Gramps totally crumple. I was breathing hard by this time and my eyes were beginning to bulge. Gramps took a breath to say something but I shot them both down before anything could be said. I included Dunc in this shot. I was going to overwhelm them with THE TRUTH.

Me: Have you ever heard of nutrient dense and calorie dense foods? Nutrient dense means that there are lots of vitamins and minerals in the food you eat and calorie dense means...

I noticed their faces. John was looking at me like I had sprouted a third head, Dunc had one eyebrow raised almost to his hairline and a smirk on his face, and Gramps' eyes were rolling in his head like he was having a seizure.

Then the ten year old slipped in and struck the final blow.

Dunc: I don't know and don't care.
Gramps: I was going to say the same thing.
John: (speechless and staring at me...)
Me: OK THEN. Since my money is what buys most of the food around here, I just won't buy any more CINNAMON ROLLS. EVER. And no more YOOHOO either.
Dunc: whaaaaat? Fine then, I WON'T COME ANYMORE.
John: (crying...suspiciously fake sounding sniffing)
Gramps: (seizure continues)
Me: FINE THEN, Maddie can come alone. Maddie, the next time you come, we will do lots of fun things together. We can shop, and go to the park.
Maddie: There is a park here?
Me: No, it is in Jasper. In fact there are LOTS of parks in Jasper. (I see Dunc is unimpressed, and I know I have to dig deep and find his Achille's heel.)
Maddie: ok Grammy that sounds fun.
Me: Oh, and we can go fishing Maddie. Lots of fishing. LOTS. (Dunc's eyebrows shoot up, and I am pretty sure he is buying this.)

So I play my trump card.

Me: Oh, and Gramps, sell Dunc's fishing rod, since he won't be needing it anymore. (Duncan has forgotten he doesn't own a fishing rod here, he uses Gramps' tackle.)
Dunc: WAIT...WAIT!!!! YOU CAN'T SELL MY FISHING ROD! I need it to fish!
Me: No you won't need it, since you won't be coming anymore.

At that point, I began to grin, and saw Dunc starting to smile, Gramps started to chuckle, and Maddie was laughing. I looked around for John, who had been strangely quiet...

He had downed a nutrient rich banana in 2 seconds. While we were skirmishing. He was going to do whatever it took to get that YooHoo.

Gma Mary had won again. She taught us well.  Jones women never lose a skirmish.

And John got his YooHoo.

...life is good... Cath
i am @jonesbabie on twitter

love is a many splintered thing

This day, 42 years ago, it happened.  I began a journey down an unknown road.  I was nervous, excited, scared to death, and just young and stupid enough to take the plunge with blind faith in the person I chose to spend the rest of my life with.

I chose well.  It's been a wonderful life.  Ups, downs, and in betweens.  Laughter, tears, anger, joy, all the emotions a human being is capable of.  Three children, and four grandchildren.  What a legacy!

Last night we were sitting in the hot tub and right before I stepped over into the water, I grabbed my iPhone and took a photo of Stevie Wonder.  Instead of rolling his eyes, he graciously smiled for me.  As we sat there enjoying our drinks and talking, we reminisced a bit about the times past.  And for some reason my mum came up as the focal point.  I started it:

me: this is the anniversary of the last date we had as single people.
him: no, we didn't go out the night before we got married.  Your mom wouldn't let us.  She came over to the apartment and dumped out all our booze, because she didn't want me getting drunk the night before I had to drive to Reno.
me: she did that?  I didn't know she did that.  (I had never heard that part of the story.)
him: yep, she did.  You know, your mom and I get along great (he was already on his second Canadian Club and Coke, hence the mellowness).
me: that's because you live 2,000 miles from her.  If you had lived in the same town, she'd probably hate you. (I had just begun to sip my wine, hence the sarcasm.)  I remember a couple nights before we got married, and I figured there was no need for a curfew since I would be moving out in a couple days.  Mum met me at the door when I got in late from our date.  She got right in my face.  And told me I wasn't married yet, and as long as I lived under her roof, I'd abide by her rules.  (This was at about 1:30AM.)
him: (laughing)
me: yep, and I remember the pink champagne I just HAD to have for our wedding night.
him: yep.  You know, that stuff was $20 a bottle and in 1970, that wasn't cheap shit. (He drank the whole bottle and I didn't know until years later that he was up vomiting the rest of the night, in between bouts of romance.  Frankly, I don't know how he survived that much sex and puking.)
me: yep I hated that stuff.  One sip and I was done.  And I remember when we got back to the apartment, we had a wedding cake.  No one was there, but we had a cake on the table waiting for us.
him: yep and no booze.
me: yep and I climbed into bed that night and discovered mum had short sheeted the bed.  (Short sheeting lesson here.)
him: (laughing)
me: you know, it's no wonder I have a weird sense of humor.  I get it from mum.
him: (still laughing)

And I bet you thought this post was going to be all sentimental and smarmy, huh?

I hate smarm, but oh...ok...here's some mushy music by the Four Aces to finish up with...

PS...Thanks for a good 42 years Stevie Wonder, and here's to forty two more.

...life is good. ~cath
@jonesbabie on Twitter

mum's stuff

I got back from a quick trip to California a few days ago.  Both sisters were there.  It was a whirlwind trip, time to see each other briefly and go through some of mum's stuff before she gets rid of everything and moves in with Vix.  The moving in was a mutual decision, easier on mum, who is on oxygen 24 hours a day now, and more convenient on Vix who is not able to keep two households running by herself.

Many grown children meet resistance from parents when the time comes that they can no longer manage on their own.  I have to say I thought my mum would be one of the "oh hell no I'm not leaving my home" type of parents.  She has proven to be cooperative, and not attached to any of her "stuff" except for a few small items.  This has been quite a surprise for me.  And I am grateful that it has been an easy transition so far.

We actually had a good time sorting through mum's things, and a lot of laughs at the stuff she had collected over the years.  She had a few magazines with some really unique decorating tips, and I saved them.

Save the foil from the turkey, and create art with it!

Vienna Sausage and Velveeta cheese, magic on a Rye Krisp!

Ok, Martha Stewart and Julia Child it isn't.  It surprised me that someone got paid to think these ideas up.  Life was so much simpler when you could decorate with crumpled aluminum foil and serve Vienna sausage on a cracker as an appetizer. 

There was a plate no one seemed to want, although mum insisted that Vix had said she wanted it.  It's kind of pretty.  One of those things that no one remembers anything about.  It just appeared magically sometime in the distant past and planted itself in mum's stuff.

Mum had also collected a folder of things from school days for Dooj and me, and I had a linoleum block print that I had made in crafts class in high school.

I answered this 3 kids and 41 years ago.

I left two plastic bins of stuff that will require a road trip to get next fall.  My collection includes books I read when I was a child, a creamer and sugar set that was my great grandmother's, some shot glasses from mum's shot glass collection, a Fostoria crystal plate and candelabra set, a shot server that looked like an old time water pump (you pump it and it serves one shot at a time), and assorted other stuff.  Nothing worth a lot of money, and I tried to keep it to a minimum.  Most of the stuff I chose will be given to my kids immediately.  

I brought home a couple things with me.  A paperwork sorter that mum used at work for years, and the first racy novel I almost didn't get to read (I had to convince Grammy to let me read it).

Sort-All and Forever Amber by Kathleen Winsor (pub 1944)

Forever Amber was the raciest novel I read as a teenager.  I actually read it when I was about 14 and loved it.  The novel was set in 1644 and was very descriptive, about the plague especially.  When I saw the book, I told mum that was MY book and it was going home with me.  The mystery was how she ended up with it.  I had read it at Grammy's, and don't remember bringing it home with me.  Also a mystery was why mum kept it.  She kept very few books.  It's a mystery.

As we went through mum's stuff I thought about what we all keep, and why we keep it.  And wondered how much stuff is buried in my closets.  My sisters and I laughed as we sorted, remembering some of it, and having fun trying to decide whether to keep it or Goodwill it.  Most went to the Goodwill.  The Cosmopolitan magazine centerfolds of Jim Brown and Burt Reynolds went in the garbage.  (Sorry Burt, you never were my cup of tea.)  My sisters and I are all of an age now that makes us shy away from collecting too much stuff.  A few things for sentimental reasons, and that was about it.  At our age we don't want to add to much to the pile of stuff we already have.

My stuff will get sorted through soon.  Mum was a neat person, and I am not.  I don't want my kids talking about what a pack rat I am.  I'd rather keep the laughs to myself.  

~cath xo
Twitter @jonesbabie