Friday, October 1, 2010

smooth move

I flew in from Alabama yesterday.  And my famed plane karma didn't manifest itself....I had a great day...no missed planes, getting off at the wrong airport, getting banged in the head with the stall door in the ladies room or anything.  The flight even arrived early to Phoenix and I had time to lollygag my way to Starbucks for a cup of chai.

So I am counting myself lucky.  And then yesterday afternoon I am looking for some tea in Vix's cupboard while she is gone on some errands.  I spy a box called....

Smooth Move.

And I read the box...a gently stimulating tea for relief of temporary constipation...and it has all these marvelous flavors mixed together...licorice and some others I can't remember at this time because.....

it wasn't...smooth....

oh at first it wasn't too bad...the tea was yummy...I steeped it for the fifteen minutes it recommended.  And sipped it slowly.  Of course the cup I  used held about eighteen ounces...

I figured that I would wake up this morning, smooth move and be on my way...

WRONG.

about 4 AM I wake up.  Farting these horrendous loud gaseous bubbles of noxious fumes.  My sisters and I were all sharing a bed and Dooj was catching the worst of the farts escaping me, because she was sleeping in the middle.  And sleeping through it.  Now one thing I know...when you are farting like that in your sleep and it wakes you up, that isn't gonna be a good thing...that last fart escaping me was loaded and I woke up in a gut filled panic and rushed for the toilet....

...an hour later I struggle limply back to bed with a toilet seat ring imbedded on my butt...I won't explain what happened in the interim....some things are better left unsaid....

I laid there for a little bit and then another pain hit....ok so it will take two trips I was thinking to myself...that means it is doing a thorough job, right?

WRONG... thirteen hours  later, my eyes are sunken in my head from dehydration, my butt is turned wrong side out and I have a permanent toilet seat impression pressed into my butt...the toilet and I are intimate friends by this time and I am thinking I am going to die...killed by Smooth Move....

So my sister Vix tells me it is time for Immodium...the cure to all butt flush ailments...and I weakly agree....she comes at me and shoves this vile liquid down my throat...and says...

"Donnie got this before he died and it works well."

Wait a second I say....Donnie died two years ago...

me: "what is the expiration date on that bottle?"
Vix: "ummm....2008"

...and I realize I've been poisoned....

I am going to die...killed by Smooth Move and Immodium....and if I die in bed tonight, one thing I know for sure...

Vix and Dooj will sleep through it....
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