I decided some time ago to add another day of exercise to my two yoga days a week. The only thing available at the place I take yoga classes was water aerobics. My friend and I talked ourselves into it, and I started with a burst of confidence that this would be a piece of cake. After all, if I could survive being twisted like a pretzel in yoga, this had to be easy peasy.
I was wrong. These classes work me like a bird dog in training. My legs and arms feel like noodles at the end of an hour. When I leave the low gravity of the water, my limbs immediately feel like they weigh 40 pounds more. I have drawn a little illustration (in layman's terms for you non-water-exercising people out there) to demonstrate what I go through. I left off the tortured look on my face, in case you might consider trying water aerobics.
I don't want to throw cold water on your plans, after all.
Yes, that was a pun. A bad one, but the best I can do at this ungodly hour of the morning.
Lessons I have learned in water aerobics:
1. No matter how tight you pull the belt on the flotation device, it still ends up under your armpits.
2. Flotation devices make excellent cleavage enhancers. Better than a Victoria's Secret push up bra.
3. When you leave the pool, gravity reminds you that your cleavage isn't as awesome as you thought it was. The lap swimmer you thought was gawking at your cleavage in the lane next to you is now laughing at you.
4. If you crane your neck, you can keep your hair dry, makeup intact, and bling shining in your ears. Until that damn flotation device rolls you over on your face.
5. Never wear washable mascara to water aerobics. Unless you enjoy the raccoon effect.
6. Wear something really loose to change into after class, like a moo moo. If you don't, it will take you an hour to get dressed, because your arms and legs are noodles. If you don't believe me, try putting skin tight jeans on a cooked noodle sometime. Can't be done.
7. The dead man's float is the best move in the world when you wear out. The flotation device will assist you into this position.
8. By the time you assume the dead man floating position, you won't care where your cleavage is or what it is doing. Or if that swimmer in the next lane is looking.
Tonight is yoga. I am asking for extra abs so I can match them to my aching arms and legs.
Holy s#*t I am gonna die.
...life is good.
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