Monday, November 7, 2011

the marriage bed

Growing up, I always shared a room with my sister.  We had beds that converted from bunk, to trundle, to side by side twin beds.  Vix was a good roommate.  We respected each other's space, and had a good relationship.

Why am I telling you that?  Because the day I was married, all that changed.  I stepped into a strange land of cohabitation that after 41 years still requires getting adjusted to.  I am not talking about Stevie Wonder, the man I married, except in the sense of the physical space he occupies.
our fake wedding photo, Reno, Nevada, 1970
I am talking about the marriage bed.  No one prepares you for that when you get married.  They talk about relationships, and getting along, and maybe even your sex life, to prepare you.  But they don't tell you about the bed.  What it is like to lay next to another human being as you sleep, and share the same space that they occupy.

I was in shock on our wedding night.  We got a room in a cheap motel that had a double bed in it.  It felt strange sleeping in a double bed.  The first night I didn't get much sleep.  We were 4 feet from the ice machine outside, and it cranked out a load of ice about once an hour, making a loud racket when it did.  And if the machine wasn't cranking out ice, then someone was slamming the door on it open and rattling around filling the cheap plastic ice bucket that cheap motels provide.

Then there was the fact that I had to decide how much of the bed was mine.  I suddenly realized that for the rest of my life, the physical space in the bed would literally be only half mine.  It was a strange concept, and added to my trouble sleeping that night.  We made it through.  Barely.

Over the years we have had some strange beds.  It started with the first bed in our walk up apartment.  Mom had short-sheeted the bed while we were in Reno, Nevada getting married.  And we discovered that the slats under the bed tended to get sideways and the bed would fall, usually in the middle of the night while we were sound asleep.  The neighbors probably thought there were some pretty active shenanigans going on upstairs, but they never said a word about it to us.  And we never got the bed fixed because we were only there for a few short months.  We developed a little routine.  Bed falls, we get up, lift the mattress and box springs and replace the fallen slat.  Back into bed.  It went smoothly, actually.

There have been hard beds, soft beds, beds that crackled with every turn (cheap mattress), and beds that were comfortable enough that I thought I could sleep in them forever and never get up.  I don't know how many beds we've been through over the years.  But we finally graduated, years ago, to a king size bed.  Steve may think he is the king of the castle, but that bed is big so that I can dodge him when he flails in his sleep and smacks me in the head with his hand.  The first time Steve smacked me like that, I accused him of hitting me, but I have learned over the years that he is a violent sleeper, and often moves suddenly.  He also strips pillow cases off in his sleep as he moves, and quite frequently strips the sheets off the corners of the bed on his side.  That also took me a while to get used to.

When I think of what has happened with our beds over the years, I am often reminded of the episode of I Love Lucy when the Ricardos swap beds with the Mertzes because the double bed they have has a deep sink hole in the middle.  Ethel pulls Fred off the bunk bed he is on and shoves him in the double bed, pinning him to the bed frame facing the wall and then climbs in and goes to sleep.  That is what a true marriage is.  Knowing what your partner needs to sleep.

I was watching television the other night and Stevie Wonder called to me from the bedroom.  I wondered what he was up to as I walked in.  There on the bed on a mattress we paid way too much for (that feels like sleeping on a rock), was a new 2 1/2 inch memory foam overlay, and  new powder blue sheets made of soft polished cotton.

He really does love me, this stranger in my bed.

~cath xo
Twitter @jonesbabie

17 comments:

  1. Cute story, I think because I spend as much time in hotel beds as do I my own. I never really get used to sleeping on my own and then when I'm back home I can't get used to sleeping in the same bed as Michael. The only bonus I have now is that Samuel is too old to climb in between like he used to when he was little. Maybe one day I'll get used to it but I think my place of rest may only be big enough for one.

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  2. I understand completely! Al is 6'4" and I am 5'3". We started out in a full size bed and I competed with tall man and his 75 lb. dog! We moved up to a queen sized when we got married and that, too, was unsuccessful. I know of the flailing arms you speak of and, add to that, the rolling over and having his face in mine. We have finally graduated to a king and that has worked out much better. We are all odd sleepers in our family though, and with him getting up in the middle of the night for work and my vampire-like schedule, we tend to sleep at times on the couch or him in his mancave in the basement. I still cherish those nights of sleeping alone! I think Lucy and Ricky had something with those separate twin beds though-sharing a bed can be overrated, especially when you get older and wiser! LOL

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  3. and that is why Lucy and Ricky had twin beds, oh and Grammy and Gramps, :-D

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  4. I too have a flailer. I can't count the number of times I've been roused from a semi decent sleep with a punch in the head! Now as the cold weather approaches, the cats have returned to the bed. Sometimes I just say the he'll with it and sleep in the guest room =)

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  5. Damn you auto correct! I've told you over and over that HELL is a word!

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  6. I used to have one of those beds with the slats that would fall off! I always wondered how they got so badly moved that they would fall between the sides of the bed.

    I've only done it once or twice in thirteen years, but I have accidentally smacked my wife (actually, I elbowed her) when coming out of a dream.

    It is quite the adjustment when you're first starting out, isn't it?

    Great post!

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  7. @SJ thanks for the comments SJ, I do sleep better alone but try to spend at least part of the night in my marriage bed. :D

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  8. @dgili84 being middle aged and menopausal I am up and down at night too Denise, so I understand what you are saying. I am 5'1" and Steve is 6' so I totally understand what you are saying. :D thanks for the comments!

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  9. @Anonymous I hate twin beds now. Had one in Alaska. When I rolled over, I fell out of bed. :D

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  10. @Kathy I feel your pain Kath, believe me. And I knew you had used your iPad to comment when I saw he'll. :D Don't you just love that iPad? xo

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  11. @David Roy Ours always chose the middle of the night to fall when we were both sound asleep. The first time it happened, I almost had a heart attack! Thanks for stopping by and commenting David!

    (Did your wife smack you back? I was tempted to do that the first time Steve hit me in his sleep!) :D

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  12. Yes! How is it that the calmest, sweetest of men become prize fighters/break dancers in their sleep? We keep thinking of going the temperpedic king route... but worry that we end up with even more stuffed animals and homework pencils (sharpened!) left in the bed from our kids who don't want to be left out of the foam-top action!

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  13. @cath

    I think she was too startled to do that. I know I was! It definitely woke me up.

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  14. @David Roy LOL David. Been there done that quite a few times over the past 41 years, and I would never hit Steve in my sleep. But I have laughed and awakened him that way. He gets annoyed because I never remember the joke. :D

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  15. @Karen I can't tell you how many times I have caught the grandkids jumping on our bed. They think any mattress is a trampoline. Of course I used to let them do it on the old king in the spare room. I had to stop it when they decided all beds were fair game. A word of caution on a Tempurpedic mattress. One of my best friends told me those things hold body heat and the one they paid big bucks for ended up at their beach house. She said it was like sleeping in an oven. :D

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  16. The marriage bed was the one thing I was not prepared for. Growing up in a house of boys I had my own room from a very early age. Apart from the excitement of the romantic notion of sharing the one bed, I was not prepared for the ongoing sharing of one room. No more shutting out the world at the end of the day. However, 30 years later, in spite of snoring and terrible sleep patterns (his of course) we still share the same 4'6" bed

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  17. @hocam I had much the same experience Mary. Sharing a bedroom with a sister just isn't the same as living with a strange man. I'm glad to see you toughed it out. :D Isn't easy is it?

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