Wednesday, September 1, 2010
I am a little fuzzy on my timeline, my family will correct me on this I am sure, but that is me forgetting purposefully again. I do remember going to Las Vegas for my daughter's wedding in May or was it June? Dad and the whole family was there, stepmother and Mum, my kids and my sister Vix and her husband and youngest child. We all had a great time and planned to have a family reunion similar to one we had back when the kids were in high school and we all went to California.
And truly, I wanted it all to just go away. I felt like I had a rock on me, one I carried around all the time. Part of me knew he was dying, but part of me was so angry about it that I just wanted to scream and curse. But I didn't. I stayed steady and planned to return in a few weeks time to help my stepmother care for my Dad til he died.
I thought I had it all handled. And I did, because I am the rock...so no one ever knew that every evening after going back home, on my way to work, I would play some of Dad's favorite songs in the car, and cry all the way to work, then cry all the way home. My way of dealing with it. Eventually the tears became less frequent, and I was able to think about Dad and remember good things. But I had a lot of anger for a long time, toward cancer, toward the circumstances, because I didn't get to see Dad again, and just sometimes in general. Eventually I mastered that too.
You see, I live in the country...I mean way out...and no one golfs around me, especially near my front door....
In the time since, I have recieved four other golf balls, always in my front yard. I travel with one in my purse all the time, for company, and luck.
Dad sent me another sign too...he sent me Maddie Kate. She has my dad's forehead and ears, and looks out of her eyes just like him sometimes....I look at her and know Dad will always be with us, in ways even we can't comprehend...
I still miss you Dad, every day.
And here's your favorite song Dad, the one you would fast forward back to on the video tape (as Dunc would tell you to do if he had known you)...