Monday, September 19, 2011

confession: 10 things i discovered by accident

There are some important things I learned, some years ago, and some along the way up until just about a week or so ago.  I guess this means I am always learning lessons in life.  Or something.  Sounds profound doesn't it?  You may rethink that after you read the list of things I have discovered by accident:

1. If you cook the right amount of chocolate, oatmeal and sugar together and make a cookie out of it, you will have the recipe for ExLax (a chocolate laxative from hell), and your kids will tell everyone how gassy they were when they ate it.
2. If you wipe the lipstick marks off the milk container, no one will ever know you were there.
3. Grandkids think your soda is their soda if they are thirsty.  And they are at least 4 before they learn not to backwash and leave floaters in your drink.
4. Never go to bed after your first prom with your hair teased and up in curls.  You awaken looking like a rat's nest.  Literally.  And find out the neighbors need you to babysit NOW.  Rats and all.
5. Fat rash on the inner thighs is exacerbated by two things: heat, and cheap pantyhose.
6. Girdles don't make you look thinner.  They round you out like a wiener, then shove the extra fat over the top, making your body look like a bomb went off in it.
7. Don't use lubricating eye gel in your eyes right before you put your contacts in, if it has petroleum jelly in it. You see nothing all day.  Nothing.
8. Take your makeup off at night.  Especially if you draw your eyebrows on.  There is nothing more disconcerting to your husband when you wake up than looking like you have a quizzical expression on your face, because one eyebrow rubbed off on your pillow.
9. Your legs get proportionately heavier according to how many glasses of wine you drink.  So remember to climb out of the hot tub before that third glass.  Or you'll be sleeping in the hot tub on a pool float.
10. Changing your diet to 80% vegetables in one day is the equivalent to paying big bucks for a colon cleansing.  Never do it the day you go to work.  On Monday especially.  You will end up in the Gas and Poop Hall of Fame.

Hope y'all have a Marvelous Monday...mine will be Manic since I am getting ready to go on vacation and way behind in everything (my normal speed).
~cath xo
Twitter @jonesbabie
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