Monday, September 19, 2011

confession: 10 things i discovered by accident

There are some important things I learned, some years ago, and some along the way up until just about a week or so ago.  I guess this means I am always learning lessons in life.  Or something.  Sounds profound doesn't it?  You may rethink that after you read the list of things I have discovered by accident:

1. If you cook the right amount of chocolate, oatmeal and sugar together and make a cookie out of it, you will have the recipe for ExLax (a chocolate laxative from hell), and your kids will tell everyone how gassy they were when they ate it.
2. If you wipe the lipstick marks off the milk container, no one will ever know you were there.
3. Grandkids think your soda is their soda if they are thirsty.  And they are at least 4 before they learn not to backwash and leave floaters in your drink.
4. Never go to bed after your first prom with your hair teased and up in curls.  You awaken looking like a rat's nest.  Literally.  And find out the neighbors need you to babysit NOW.  Rats and all.
5. Fat rash on the inner thighs is exacerbated by two things: heat, and cheap pantyhose.
6. Girdles don't make you look thinner.  They round you out like a wiener, then shove the extra fat over the top, making your body look like a bomb went off in it.
7. Don't use lubricating eye gel in your eyes right before you put your contacts in, if it has petroleum jelly in it. You see nothing all day.  Nothing.
8. Take your makeup off at night.  Especially if you draw your eyebrows on.  There is nothing more disconcerting to your husband when you wake up than looking like you have a quizzical expression on your face, because one eyebrow rubbed off on your pillow.
9. Your legs get proportionately heavier according to how many glasses of wine you drink.  So remember to climb out of the hot tub before that third glass.  Or you'll be sleeping in the hot tub on a pool float.
10. Changing your diet to 80% vegetables in one day is the equivalent to paying big bucks for a colon cleansing.  Never do it the day you go to work.  On Monday especially.  You will end up in the Gas and Poop Hall of Fame.

Hope y'all have a Marvelous Monday...mine will be Manic since I am getting ready to go on vacation and way behind in everything (my normal speed).
~cath xo
Twitter @jonesbabie

19 comments:

  1. Very profound. Thank you for sharing! ;)

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  2. Very profound tips... have a fab holiday

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  3. Can hardly see through the tears of laughter to type this comment! lol

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  4. Laugh and the world laughs with you.

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  5. Here is another fact. When you are alone and sneak to try on your older sissy's girdle, going on is easy, getting the dang thing off is like trying to peel off a wet bathing suit!

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  6. I guess I have the Universe to thank for letting you have those accidents and allowing for the insights to surface! Thanks for sharing!

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  7. HAHA! This post was thoroughly hilarious, Cath! I'm just putting another post together on wisdom and I should have just asked you to write it. =P You'll never know how much you've influenced my life, friend. =) Those tips on gassy foods/mixtures were especially helpful! =)

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  8. Cathy,

    You always make me laugh I love the faces jack.... They are all so true : )

    xoxox
    Jessica

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  9. I love your words of wisdom...enjoy your vacation...

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  10. @Holly: Thanks for stopping by, reading and commenting!

    @Savira: I don't know how profound the tips are, but they are my reality. :D I am looking forward to the holidays.

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  11. @Lucylastica2 Then I achieved my goal if you laughed...that makes my day. :D

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  12. @Thom Brown Cry, and they hand you a tissue, and tell you to shut up. :D

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  13. @vix You got what you deserved, dark primpcess. Stay outta the plump primpcess's stuff. :D

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  14. @Joy Page Manuel You're welcome Joy, glad you enjoyed it. :D

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  15. @Samantha Bangayan Glad you enjoyed it Samantha. The chocolate laxative cookies are especially effective. And tasty. :D

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  16. @Jessica Brant BlogNostics Glad you enjoyed it Jessica. We should all laugh every day. The world would be so much healthier. And happier. xo

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  17. @MuMuGB Glad you enjoyed them Muriel. Tomorrow's the big day! xo

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