Wednesday, December 1, 2010

sleeping with the enemy

No, this blog isn't about advice on your sex life.  Nor is it information about mine.  It's about sleeping with the enemy (my husband).  Almost from our first night of sleeping in the same bed, we have had an ongoing battle.

Many years ago when I was young and stupid, I looked forward to sharing a bed with Steve.  It started out pretty good, and a double bed was even acceptable at that time.  (I wouldn't go near a double bed with him in it now, for reasons you will see shortly.)

The first inkling I had that sharing a bed with Steve wasn't going to be easy was on our second night together.  We had driven to Reno, married and stayed overnight (that was all we could afford) and so our second night as husband and wife was in our apartment...which is when I learned what short-sheeting a bed meant (it was a wedding gift from my mom).  After five minutes of trying to stretch out under the sheets, I asked Steve what was going on.  He was laughing too hard to explain to me what short-sheeting a bed was for several minutes.

That was the high point of our married life in bed.  It was downhill after that.  I found out that Steve was a blanket hog,  a habit which has grown worse over the last 40 years, to the point that he now wraps himself up like a mummy in the sheet and blanket, and if I wake him up trying to reclaim part of it to cover my cold butt, I get dog-cussed.  So I solved that problem.  I take a separate blanket to bed with me.

Steve snored for years.  To the point that he became apneic when he hit middle age.  I knew he was apneic because 1) I was a nurse by then and knew the pattern of breathing/not breathing and 2) I would lay awake at night counting the seconds of apnea, and then bitch at him the next morning to go to a doctor.  (It was easy for me to stay awake because I was menopausal by then and would wake up white-eyed many nights, and pass the time counting Steve's non breaths.)  That was when the CPAP machine entered our lives to help him breathe at night, and my affair with Darth Vader began....

There is the fact that you do NOT touch Steve when he is asleep.  His startle reflex is so violent that he looks like Rocky going in for the kill on Apollo Creed when you touch him.  So I make sure there are pillows between us.  That is my safety net...or zone, or whatever you want to call it.  I just know it saves me a black eye...

I jumped and quietly hollered the other night, but he still woke up.  I had stepped on Beary...Duncan's teddy bear that had rolled just under our bed, and thought I had stepped on a mouse.  Let me tell you, in the dark when you step on a Beary limb and it rolls under your foot, the resemblance to a live mouse is sickeningly I had no choice but to holler.  I'm made that way.

He'll tell you I snore (a defense mechanism...after all, I sleep with Darth Vader). and that I woke him up and almost caused him a heart attack a few nights ago because I was screaming.  What he won't volunteer is the fact that I had a charlie horse from hell in my left calf, and came awake screaming out of a sound sleep.  It went something like this:

him: what the hell is going on?
me: (gasping) A CHARLIE HORSE!  I'M DYING!!!!!!!!
him: you WOKE ME UP and nearly SCARED me TO DEATH SCREAMING!!!! (said in a nasty accusing tone loud enough to wake the dead)
me: I didn't *&%$(*% plan it that &%^$#%$% woke me up too *&*%@#!!!!
him: well....YOU WOKE ME UP!!!

There were many more choice words said by me that aren't printable....insert your favorite invectives and I probably said them all...  Did he ask me if I was ok?  NOOOOO...  He just rolled over and went back to sleep while I crawled back into bed and collapsed.

We sleep in a king size bed and I was wondering if they make a bed bigger than that...this one was beginning to feel crowded.  Or I could just fart on the intake of his CPAP machine...that would shut him up for a few minutes while he gasped for air...

...and the war goes on...


  1. Did ya ever think of separate rooms? We have a bell beside our beds in case we cant holler! He needs it quiet and dark, while I need the TV on and I also just started using a CPAP a week ago. I cried and cried that I was no longer sexy, but ya know..... it IS nice to breathe well and wake up NOT so tired. AND my husband also snores like a train! We prefer us sleeping in separate bedrooms now. He said the one time he saw me with my mask on from my CPAP machine that I looked like I was resting peacefully. He was glad. I love my hunny.

  2. I play musical beds many nights...and on the weekends we are all packed in like lincoln logs with the grandkids here... and yes Steve is breathing better now and not waking up exhausted from air hunger so that part I don't is kind of like my own nature sounds...the whoosh of the CPAP is rather is when he talks to me with it on that I want to pull out my lightsabre...
    thanks for the comment...I love reading them!

  3. Well I can tell you I had the same problem...My husband even gave me a bloody nose once as he rolled over and hit me smack dab in my nose. He saws wood all night in his sleep with his snoring and gurgling and he also likes our lab to sleep with him. He is a snuggler when he sleeps which drives me nuts as I get over heated and like my space. I know.. what women doesn't like to snuggle? Me, not while i am trying to sleep!

    Who said sleeping together makes for a good marriage. We now have separate rooms and no longer want to kill each other every morning. I recently redecorated and painted both of our rooms. My room is full of things I have collected from our travels and has spiritual relics scattered around. As my husband is an atheist he has his sanctuary (man cave with dog hair) and I have mine. We sleep like babies with sleep overs when we are in the Well I should rephrase that to "when I am in the mood" He is 12 years younger so he is dry humping everything.....LMAO!

    Good luck,

  4. I am laughing one told me before marriage it wasn't going to be like the Cleavers or I Love Lucy, and what a shock I had...
    thanks for the comments, I enjoyed them!