Tuesday, April 26, 2011

four eyes

I've worn glasses since I was a very young girl.  I can remember sitting with my face shoved in the TV in order to see the picture.  I also remember the blackboard at school going gradually more blurry as the teacher moved me closer and closer because my grades were starting to fall and no one could figure out why.

Finally someone figured out I was losing my eyesight.  Or rather, I needed corrective lenses.  Mom actually let me pick out the glass frames I wanted, and I picked either a pink or blue pair with silver glitter in them (I can't remember which pair came first, but I eventually had worn both colors).  Even then I loved bling.

And miracle of miracle, I could see again!  It was wonderful!  I could read a book farther away than three inches from my face, and I could see leaves on trees, and details in pictures again.

But I HATED those glasses.  They made me, an already quite shy and quiet girl, feel like I had a purple horn sticking out of the middle of my forehead. 

So I would wear the glasses to school, then take them off, and put them back on before I got home.  I left them off as much as possible, because I felt ugly with them on.  I WAS ugly with them on.  It was a stigma I was determined I would not have to bear.

Until the day Vicky and I walked home from school through a field.  I got home, and Mom asked me where my glasses were. 

I HAD FORGOTTEN TO PUT THEM BACK ON!  I reached into my pocket to get them and put them on, and NO GLASSES! 

I panicked.  And Mom was furious.  That may have been the day she chased me around the house with a yardstick, I'm not sure.  I do remember I just got one whack from it.  First, because I think I wore her down running so long, and second, because it broke in half.  (Yardsticks make crappy rods to beat your child with.)

Then Dad got home and Mom told him about it and we ALL went to the field to look for the glasses.  And Vicky found them.  And got a quarter for finding them.  It made me angry because I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO WEAR THOSE UGLY THINGS.  I resented Vicky for a long time for being the savior of those glasses.  But I never took my glasses off again.  Mainly because I knew Mom would kill me if I did.

Then the other night, I was laying in bed, glasses off and trying to go to sleep.  I had been without internet connection for about a week at that point.  So I am pretty sure I was in IDT's by then (internet delirium tremens).  But I had maintained my cool, and no one knew how much I missed Twitter, Facebook, and blogging.

As I laid there looking at the ceiling, I saw a light on the ceiling.  Now there is a red light over Steve's side of the bed, a nifty little thing that lets him look overhead to see what the temperature outside is and what time it is.  I really don't know why anyone would care what the outside temperature is while they are in bed, but it's his toy.  I can't see it anyway, just a red smear across the ceiling.

But I had a white light over my head.  Spooky.  I thought the problem I have been having with my right eye had finally developed into a retinal tear.  I lost my cool.  Told Steve I thought I was losing my eyesight for good because all I could see was a light on the ceiling (I could actually see more than that but I was in panic mode by then).  I was ready to go to the hospital, certain I would be blind for life.

Me: Steve, I think I am going blind.
Steve: why do you think that?
Me: because I see a light on the ceiling over the bed.
Steve: (sounding disgusted) that's because there IS a light over the bed.
Me: (deflated)...oh....

So I am still only half blind.  Blind enough the optometrist told me when they test my vision they start backing up and holding up fingers.  Blind enough to wear contacts, AND reading glasses at the same time.  Blind enough that Steve said if he had a couple old fashioned Coke bottles, he'd cut the bottoms out of them and get me a seeing eye dog.

But not so blind I can't see a UFO shining over my head on the ceiling.

I was so relieved Steve saw the same UFO that I laughed out loud for about 15 minutes.  Steve grunted, rolled over and went back to sleep amid my peals of laughter.

So I won't tell him the lizard he's been running from for days is in the house.  The lizard he fears was in our bedroom last night.

I think it was a lizard.  I can't be sure.  I had my glasses off.


  1. love it! i've worn glasses since i was 22 months old and have had a retinal tear from 6-12 o:clock in my left eye that i didn't even know i had until i was having emergency surgery to repair it. three weeks before my college graduation i might add. i understand the paranoia completely! by the way, you weren't the only one who missed your internet access. Welcome Back!

  2. 15 minutes of laughter, that was just your way of letting go of the tension you felt without the internet, lol...the ones I found were pink with silver through them, I think the blue ones came next...I was telling Doodie what they looked like and voila there they lay at my feet. Sorry, I thought you wanted them found so you could see and wouldn't get beat with the bolo bouncer...

  3. LOL! I have worn glasses since I was 11. Btw...my first ones where the blue and silver ones...:)

  4. Got my first pair of glasses at 15. Big honkin purple things that I hated. Contacts after graduation and now, I'm back to glasses and prefer them over the contacts. I need bifocal contacts, can't afford them so I have to wear reading glasses with contacts. Hate it! So I only wear contacts when I dye my hair LOL Great story cath :)

  5. Hehe this post is so funny for so many reasons, not the least that you got me thinking about my partner and his fear of crickets, that somehoe keep stalking him in the lounge room when he is trying to relax hehe. The same man who gets rid of the spiders for me.

  6. I'm old enough to need readers, but that's about it - although there is a bit of astigmatism. I go the drug store and buy a pack of three. Once they're all lost or broken, I'll buy some more. I have one pair of "official" glasses, but I rarely wear them.

    Thanks for the chuckle. Always a welcome respite.

  7. Enjoyed your post and wondered why you had been 'off air' İ missed your posts. Glad it was just an internet blip.
    I also have glasses but only need them for distance. İ take my glasses off to read. Seriously though, many children feel like you did. İ wear mine and tell them all the good-looking people wear glasses

  8. Glad to hear from so many of you fellow "4 eyes" :D. Unfortunately we were knocked out of power again by the tornadoes that devastated the state yesterday...but I am online (again!) and catching up with comments!
    Thanks PCN I know you understand completely how I feel about my glasses...and hopefully these flashing lights I see in my right eye won't become a retinal tear...
    @Anon, thanks for reminding me of the bolo bouncer, I hated that thing. :D
    @jerened so you had the same taste in glasses I did!
    @Kathy I wear contacts because I get so tired of not having peripheral vision...but then have to have the readers too so go figure lol...
    @Janine...I really hope that lizard slides across Steve's face one night while he's sleeping lol....
    @Thom...I have about 10 pair of peepers, scattered here around the house and at work...I replace a pair from time to time so I won't run out...and then there is the pediatrician I worked with in Alaska who had 17 pair of readers but often borrowed one of the 2 or 3 pair I kept at work because she couldn't find hers!
    @hocam...yep Mary my internet connection has been spotty and was out an extended period of time...then again yesterday as the state got hit by tornadoes...glad you tell the kids that good looking people wear them...back when I was a kid braces and glasses were such a stigma...now kids think they are cool and I am so glad they do!

    Thank you ALL for the comments...I enjoy reading them as much or arguably more than you say you enjoy reading my humble posts! I appreciate each and every one of you!

  9. I loved this post of yours. I had glasses since I was 12, after I suffered from the terrible jaundice. Glasses just added to my "charm" of being the book worm and I was constantly teased as the "speckie" in the family. Now they all are wearing glasses! Look who is laughing now :)

    Also, here is the surprise I know you got one already but you deserve it

  10. @Hajra Thanks so much for your comments! I was a bookworm too! And most of the people my age in my family wear glasses too now!

    And thank you for my award! I really appreciate it, and congratulations to you too, you deserve it!