Thursday, December 8, 2011

shower wars

It became clear to me that I needed a new shower caddy when I noticed bottles of hair and body products accumulating in my small shower.  It's a walk in shower, square, and has two small corner shelves.  Every time I took a shower, I was knocking bottles off with my elbows when I turned around.  It got to the point that I couldn't take a shower without dodging dropping bottles, and I started to become desperate.  So I did the only thing I knew to do.

I assigned Stevie Wonder the task of buying the shower caddy.  I was deep into shopping for art supplies one day, and I could feel him tensing up behind me, and I knew if I didn't send him to some OTHER place, there would be loud words soon.  I racked my brain and blurted out "I need a new shower caddy, why don't you go next door to the bath and body shop and get one?"

He was glad for the excuse not to watch me agonize over which size canvas to buy, and he shot out of there like his tail was on fire.  He was back in less than 5 minutes telling me he found a great shower caddy that could be mounted in the corner, or flat on the wall.

We got it home, and I got it installed.  Got it loaded.  Mounted.  Shining new on the wall, it looked like it was smiling at me. I couldn't wait to use it, so I jumped in the shower.  Shampoo worked great.  Conditioner too.  Pumps pumping like oil derricks, oozing the wonderful goop into my hot little hands.

Then I tried the middle one.  The one I loaded with my special body wash.  I pumped it.  And got nothing.

Another push.  Nothing.  There I was, standing naked and wet in the shower, with shower gel I COULDN'T GET TO.  I tried to remember what the directions said about putting a vacuum on it, by either covering the opening with your finger and pushing, or pushing and then covering the opening with your finger as you release the button.  So to hedge my bet, I tried it both ways.

A slow drip emerged.  I am talking a drop so small even Barbie couldn't get clean with it.  I kept pushing.  I began to pound the button.  About 2 more Barbie drops sneeked onto my puff.  The amount was so small, it sank into the puff, never to be seen again.

I tried priming it is a pump after all.  I pushed on the shampoo and conditioner buttons.  Yep, they worked fine.  I pushed on the shower gel button again, thinking it should work, the other buttons worked.  Maybe it was a group effort, I had to push all 3 to get them to work.

Nope, didn't work.  Barbie drop four emerged with disdainful slowness from pump #2.

My mother surfaced in me then, and right there in the shower, naked in front of God, I pitched a fit.  I kicked the walls of the shower, slammed my fist onto the shower gel button about 50 times as fast as I could, and cursed silently.  I would've screamed, but it was midnight and I did NOT want to wake Stevie W up that way.

After about 5 minutes of continuous pounding on the button, I gave up, exhausted.  I pulled the container off the wall and looked at the back of it, just to make sure that there wasn't some secret button I was supposed to push.  The "emergency, push here if pump doesn't work" button.  No button.

So I pulled the lid off, then noticed that when I had turned it sideways to check the back for the secret button, the gel, shampoo and condtioner had mixed together in the top of the caddy.

Problem solved.  Disgusted beyond belief, I filled my puff with goop from each container, and washed from head to foot.  It was like washing your clothes with a combination laundry soap/fabric softener.  Your clothes might not be as clean, but they sure smell good.  One slather and it was done.  Shampooed, conditioned and body washed from head to foot, all in one step.

I can't wait to force the grandkids into the shower at the point of my light saber and make them use my new combination cleanser-shampooer-condtioner (or dishcunner as Maddie calls it).  They like their baby wash.  But they are 6 now and stink at the end of the day.

Maybe I will market this stuff.  Maybe I will get rich enough to be able to afford to buy a new shower caddy.  With a working middle button.

Number two is no longer my lucky number.

~cath xo
Twitter @jonesbabie
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