sorry

Most of the time I am understanding, or like to think I am.  But for the past few weeks I have been moody and cranky much of the time.  I've had a headache most of the past three weeks.  Most of the time the pain is bearable, but sometimes it isn't.

Last night my head was throbbing.  Steve said something to me and I shot something back like a bullet, and it hit him like one.  He didn't say anything, just went to bed.  I knew I had hurt his feelings but I was in such a bitchy mood because of the pain that I sulled like a possum and refused to say anything to him.

And it ate at me all night.  I woke up at midnight and got up and did a few little chores around the house, and pondered on why I talk to him like I do.  He took me to the ophthalmologist today and I talked to him a bit about why I snap at him sometimes.

It is because I feel safe.  I say things to him that I would never dare say to a stranger or someone I work with.  I use a tone of voice that cuts like a knife.  And it is because I feel safe.  And I know Steve loves me unconditionally.  He always has.  He never has wavered in that.  Oh we have our arguments.  Some are real humdingers.  But I know I can say what I think to him with no holds barred and he will let me.  Because he loves me.  I talked a bit about this with him today.

And I told him I was sorry for hurting his feelings.  For saying the hateful things I said last night.  Pain doesn't excuse it.  I truly was sorry.

And Steve said it was ok.  He is understanding that way.  Because that is who he is.

This person I've loved for over 40 years.