Wednesday, March 9, 2011

day nine...velour

This is a strange word to pick for the March prompt, but velour impacted my whole day today, and I felt compelled to share it.  Forgive me if this is too much for you velour lovers out there, but I have had a total change of heart for this word, and the fabric it represents.

This morning at 4:30AM, when I was getting ready to fly home to California, I vacillated between jeans and something warmer.  It was raining, had been all night, that kind of early spring rain that just seeps coldness into your bones.  And so jeans that I had laid out the night before (well actually at 1AM since I was up late packing, a norm for me) didn't look too appealing when I was getting ready.  So I ran to the bedroom and dug out a velour jacket and pants from my time in Alaska, perfect traveling attire for the Arctic.

Well, in my rush I forgot to put on underwear.  (And I am not talking about a bra...a middle aged woman would have to have a sadistic bent to subject the world to that sight.)  So half asleep I got my clothes on, thinking I had picked the perfect traveling ensemble.  Warm, but not too hot, and makeup put on what appeared to be perfect, and my hair kept flat and simple so I didn't have to worry about bedhead when I arrived, because I knew I would sleep my way across the US, as I always do.  Put me in an airplane seat, start taxiing for takeoff and I am unconscious within two minutes.

Today was no exception, I slept from Birmingham to Phoenix.  When I stood up to change planes, I had the first inkling that maybe I hadn't chosen wisely in apparel.  As I stood up, I suddenly realized the seam on the seat of my pants was buried.  In the butt that seam covered.  Somehow it had wedged itself as deep as a pair of thong underwear.  And I started sweating, wondering how I was going to unobtrusively dig that seam out without being obvious about it.  I sure didn't want to be the woman with the butt seam problem everyone talked about when they debarked.

So I tried to be sneaky.  I grabbed the side of the leg and gave a little tug on the butt of the pants.

Now the thing you need to know about velour, is that is stretches.  By the time I had the leg pulled out so far it looked like an elephant ear attached to my leg (yes the pantsuit was dark gray), I realized that errant seam wasn't going to be going anywhere.

I tried the other leg.  Nothing.  Just another elephant ear.  By now I realized I was going to be moving into the aisle soon, because the plane was quickly emptying.  So I did what I had to do.  I grabbed the butt of my pants and yanked.  But when I yanked, it pulled the butt seam sideways and it ended up over close to my right hip.  I knew there was no way I could walk out into the aisle looking like I was walking forward from the waist up, and sideways from the waist down, so I grabbed the waist of the pants and gave a big yank in the opposite direction, and finally got the seams where they all belonged.  I figured by that time at least some of the people behind me knew what had happened, but I kept my eyes straight forward and never looked back.

Now maybe it would be bad enough this happened once to me, but I had another couple hours to fly from Phoenix to Sacramento, and this horrid little scene repeated itself all over again, with a different group of observers.

I've never been so glad to finally get to my sister's car.  Where I could yank my pants around in any direction in the midst of loving family.

Of course, said loving family laughed outright at me.  And outrageously loudly.

Which is why I had two glasses of wine at dinner.

And why that vicious, butt eating velour pantsuit is now in the garbage can.


  1. Don't you know to travel with old worn knickers and then you get rid of them at the last stop, kick em to the curb. If some homeless person found mine after the 21 hours to Australia, I guarantee you they vowed to never go dumpster diving again in their life. Thanks for the visual Cath, nice to know we aren't alone on this planet. LOL

  2. @Dawn
    Girl I'd love to travel with you, knickers or no knickers! Glad you liked it. :)

  3. OMG! Thanks for the laugh. Started my day just right!

  4. I thought things like this only happened to me. Better decide now what to wear on Saturday, three flights to get to Bodrum in Turkey!

  5. perhaps I can post a better response when I stop laughing... ;)

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  7. @Anonymous useful information? How to get velour out of your crack is useful? I don't know, that comment sounds a little spammy to me. :D