Monday, January 30, 2012

beauty is deeper than skin

I am a woman who doesn't spend a lot of time on skin care. You would think that at my age I would be interested in preserving what bit of youth still lingers around the edges of my face. A face that is beginning to resemble a paper bag that's been folded one too many times.

Most of the time I can't be bothered. I don't even use any kind of cleansing cream. Usually I just shampoo my face in the shower while I wash my hair.

But yesterday I was in a mood. Usually that type of mood means I end up "adjusting" my haircut. Yesterday I decided that I was going to give myself a facial instead.

Just because I don't use them doesn't mean I don't collect beauty products. I have quite a nice little collection of face goops which have promised me over the years to:

1 erase lines
2 tighten skin like a facelift
3 shrink pores
4 peel away dead skin and erase 10 years
5 brighten skin
6 make skin soft as a baby's butt

(I never could figure out what #5 meant, but I envisioned my face lighting my way to the bathroom at night like a lightbulb.)

I lined up my selection. That was when I made my first mistake. I decided that if one product worked well, then using three would just triple the benefits.

I started with a facial peel. This was a tube of goop that smelled like Elmer's school glue, and felt like it as I smeared it on. I didn't bother reading the directions. I mean, you just smear this stuff on, let it dry, and peel it off. Easy peasy.

Easy peasy if I had read the directions that is. (Mistake two.) The directions that clearly stated not to use it around the eyes or hairline. The eyebrows are part of the eye, and are hair. I discovered my mistake when I tried to peel it off and ended up almost brow less with bald spots in my eyebrows. I also managed to pull out some of the hair on my head, where I had smeared the goop too close. Just what I needed. A higher forehead on a face that already looked like a space alien.

I should have quit, but I have the stubbornness born of my genetic ties to my mother, and after the screams died (mine) and the laughs died (Stevie Wonder's), I forged forward to step two.

The microdermabrasion scrub. Simply put, it's a jar of sand and goo mixed together that enables the user to scrub dead skin away. What I didn't realize was that I had just peeled that same dead skin away with the Elmer's Glue. It went on nicely. A thin layer the directions said (you better believe I wasn't going to skip the directions again after round one) spread evenly on the face. Let it dry, then wash off in circular motion with a warm wet wash cloth.

Yarright. The harder I rubbed, the more skin I scrubbed away. I was beginning to feel like an onion being peeled, layer by layer, wondering if there would be any onion left.

Finally, I got it all off. And my skin DID feel smoother. Like a baby's butt. Well, that is stretching the truth, but it did feel better. That was when I made my third mistake. I decided I could fine tune my new skin with a chemical peel. I mean, c'mon, how much skin could I peel off by rubbing a little cotton circle lightly over my face.

A heck of a lot of skin, evidently. I didn't really notice anything to begin with. A couple hours later my face started to itch. Then it began to burn. Hours later, it had settled back down. I took a quick look in the mirror on my way to bed.

And saw a glowing red reflection staring back at me. My face looked like I had been laying in the hot July sun for hours. I just shut the light off and went to bed. Right after I threw all the face goop in the garbage.

From now on I'll stick to cutting my own hair, with a good supply of hats on hand.



21 comments:

  1. My favorite line in this is using your face to light the way at night lol. Sometimes it going through all of the cleansers in our closet to realize that we are fine without all of it. I can't count how many cleansers I've bought in the past year. So I feel your pain.

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    1. I've spent more than my share of money too. After all the misery, I ended up with the same face. Oh well. :D

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  2. I feel we must be related somehow.

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    1. You're a fan of triple facials too?

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  3. Skin tightening reduce well wrinkles. That burn to fat which between skin and body. That make smooth and better to skin which work as anti-aging treatment.

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    1. let me see, so if I tighten the skin on my face, it'll take 3 inches off my hips, right? Thank you ms. spammer, I didn't realize that my hips make my face look older...

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    2. That is so making me laugh. How could you tell it was a spammer? Bwahahahahahaha!

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  4. All I can think of when I see that first pic of you with the facial mask on Cath is, "No wire hangers EVER!!!" lol

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    1. I was trying for a mummy effect, but I missed the mark...gosh, I'm craving a Coca-Cola right now...

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  5. Ohhh goodness! I am sorry you had a horrible experience. I have super sensitive skin and so I have to be careful what I use.

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    1. My skin wasn't so sensitive before but I sure realize now that I can't treat it like that again. :D

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  6. Fun to read, but a horrible experience for you. Rub ice...and cool it.

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    1. By the time I noticed how red it was, the pain was gone. I've had worse experiences trying stuff, but this was the first time I abused my face. :D

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  7. Cathy - you're an absolute riot. You do remind me of myself though. I collect beauty products and use them when I feel guilty about them lying around unused!!
    Shine on! ;)

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it Corinne. I am sure the family members who read this (especially my sisters and children) were nodding. They've seen me do stupid stuff like this many times over the years. I really thought I had planned wisely this time though. :D

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  8. My lesson from all this is never ever let your sister offer to give you a facial! :-D Nice picture Cath! xoxo

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    1. Your face is safe this time Vix, I'm bringing some gunk for our feet. Purple nail polish too! :D Brace yourself sister.

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  9. Cathy, this was fantastically funny! Haven't we all fallen for that promise of a cream or a goo that will take ten years off our faces?
    Hope your face has calmed down by now, dear. What an experience!
    Blessings to you!

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    1. I have to admit I am a sucker for a sales pitch... My face is back to normal now. I guess. :D

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  10. LOL I my goodness...I can sooo relate to this post! I'm not a big skin product person especially when it comes to cosmetics or anything. I have daily cleanser, though , like you, most mornings I don't use it, just washing my face off in the shower. I always put on a moisturizer..but that's it usually. Once in awhile I'll try to do a cucumber mask ...which works out okay except for the fact that yeah..don't get too close to the hair..eybrows, etc..I've made the same mistake as you! lol

    Well..glad you survived your endeavor! At times it is fun to mix things up and try something new or do something a little extra. I just got a haircut this past weekend.

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    1. I feel better after reading the comments like yours Jessica and realizing that I am not alone. There's safety and comfort in numbers. :D

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